


Applied Phlebotinum 101

by Geonn



Category: Community
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Comedy, Ensemble Cast, F/M, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-02
Updated: 2012-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 00:41:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/350086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geonn/pseuds/Geonn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a community college faces danger, you get community college heroes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Applied Phlebotinum 101

Every superhero has an origin story. Trauma, tragedy, retribution. But origin stories are boring. The costume usually doesn't make an appearance until the second act, by which point everything has been bogged down by exposition and the cowl looks silly. My origin story? You don't want that. You don't need that. If you know it, you don't need me to repeat it. If you don't, I'm mysterious enough that it doesn't matter. Who am I? I'm Batman, and right now Greendale is under attack. We don't have time for origin stories. 

The Human Being... an ironic name, but villains always seem to choose them. A hideous visage that strikes terror in the hearts of those who face it. Male, female, does it matter? It's a creature of the night, like the bat. But I'm the bat, and it's the Human Being. I'm repeating myself. That doesn't matter. I'm Batman.

Dean Pelton has been taken prisoner in his office. Human Being's henchman El Tigre Chino is guarding the door. I've been watching, plotting, planning. I'm on the next door building trying to figure out my angle when she arrives. She's silent, like the cat she's taken as her totem. I'm not distracted, don't even look over at her, but it's hard not to notice the way her hips move in the skintight gray catsuit or the way it hugs the higher curves. She wears a small black mask, making it easy to see her eyes sparkle and her lips pull up into a wide smile.

I'm getting off-topic. Focus, Abed. I mean, Batman.

"Hi, Ab-- uh, Batman. Got a way in yet?"

"Working on it." I turn my head slightly toward her. The way the streetlight outlines her, it's almost like she's wearing nothing at-- I'm Batman.

"Well, you know you don't have to do this alone."

"Batman works alone."

She holds out her hand and ticks off names. "Robin, Nightwing, the Oracle, Alfred--"

"Sh." I lift my head; I heard a noise and turn toward it. "What's that?"

"Our plan."

I rise. This is what I was afraid of. This is why Batman doesn't work with a team. Other than all those people Annie, I mean Catwoman, just mentioned. I watch as a drag racer takes a corner very sharply. The wheels and body of the car are shades of green and it seems to glow as it races through the streets of the college. Green Lantern is behind the wheel, whooping as he races toward the Dean's office.

El Tigre Chino sees him at the same time I do and steps into the street. "Red flag, gambino!"

Green Lantern lets go of the wheel and stands in the seat. "You know why people watch racing, don't ya? For the wrecks!" Green Lantern propels himself out of the car with a burst of energy from his ring. El Tigre Chino opens fire, but the car splits in two. El Tigre Chino tries to run, but the two halves form pincers and snap shut around him. Green Lantern hovers overhead, idly changing the long flat slabs into a bubble that securely holds the henchman inside. 

I rise as Green Lantern floats over to us. "What's up, Batman? Catwoman."

Catwoman curtsies, which is quite a feat considering her current outfit. "That was reckless."

Green Lantern scoffs. "That was awesome, is what it was! Did you see me?!"

"Hm. And I'm sure the Human Being saw you, too. We've lost the element of surprise. We have to hurry."

Green Lantern creates a ramp for us to travel down to the street level. The bubble he's trapped El Tigre Chino in is soundproof, so we can't hear him screaming as we hurry into the building. Wolverine and Power Girl are standing near the trophy case. Wolverine is texting with his claws out, occasionally reaching up to tease the side-spikes of his hair. He's unshaven, as usual, and wearing leather instead of his yellow latex. He looks weird. Wrong. Kind of stupid. But I bet it would sell tickets. Power Girl is wrapped in a shawl.

"Wolverine. You're not even from this company."

"Your company doesn't have anyone who looks half as cool as Wolverine, so... what are you gonna do?"

I couldn't fault his logic. Even Superman wore red and blue tights, and that is a bitch of a look to pull off. "Are you going to help?"

"Eh, sure, if someone comes this way I'll... I don't know. Smash them."

"Smashing is the Hulk... also the wrong company." I look at Power Girl, who is wearing a cardigan over her costume. "What about you?"

"I refuse to participate in this rescue until I am given a less ridiculous outfit. I mean, what's my superpower? Tit-vision?"

Green Lantern chuckles, his eyes locked on the chest of Power Girl's sweater. "That would be cool."

"Hey! Green Lantern! I'm up here!" She points at her face with both hands.

"I know." His eyes don't move.

Power Girl scoffs. "Idiots."

"Come on. We don't have time for them." I swish my cape and lead the way further down the hall. Green Lantern is chuckling about boobs under his breath. Catwoman is sticking close to the walls, hiding in the shadows. Green Lantern extends his arm and uses his ring to light our way in the darkness, and I nod my thanks to him as we near the Dean's office. I hold up my hand and move closer to the door to look through the glass, to get the lay of the land.

The Dean stands on a pedestal, wrapped in strips of cloth like a mummy to keep him from shifting position. His arms are crossed over his stomach, one higher than the other, and he's clutching a sword with the point on the pedestal between his feet. The Human Being is standing by the Dean's desk, mixing golden paint in a tub. The Dean sobs, "But I don't want to _be_ an Oscar!"

"We need a distraction," I whisper over my shoulder. 

Green Lantern holds up his ring. "A giant boob!" Catwoman rolls her eyes and makes an irritated noise in her throat.

"Maybe I can be of assistance, sweetie."

We turn and see Storm floating toward us on a cloud drift. Her hair is white, but curly, and sparks fly from her fingertips as she nears us.

"You and Wolverine shouldn't be here. Wrong company."

"Oh, baby, haven't you ever heard of crossovers? Now, you said something about a distraction?" She crosses her arms and holds her palms out toward the Dean's office. Her eyes turn white, and fog begins to swirl in the empty space in front of her. When it has become thick and impenetrable, Storm puffs out her lips and exhales. The doors blow open and the fog swirls into the room.

The Human Being shrieks in surprise as we rush in. He tosses the golden mixture but Green Lantern throws up a wall that the gold splatters against. I duck underneath his outstretched arm while Catwoman flips beside me. I don't notice her muscles moving under her suit because I'm too busy freeing the Dean from his predicament. I put him in a fireman's carry and hurry out of the room, calling out to the others that we're clear. Catwoman has restrained the Human Being with her whip, which will do until campus security arrives.

We run through the dissipating fog toward the front doors. If security arrives while we're here, they'll arrest us as criminals. It's best to just be moving on. We pass Wolverine and Power Girl on our way out. Wolverine doesn't even look up from his phone. "Hey, we won," he says. "Yay us."

Outside, Green Lantern flies me and Catwoman to safety. The Dean has passed out, naturally. Green Lantern makes a bassinet for him, and we lay him on the impossibly soft cushions. "Aw," Green Lantern says. "He's so cute! I'll make sure he gets home. Tonight was fun!" He hugs Catwoman and then he and I slap hands while slapping our chests. "Stay warm, Catwoman. Peace out, Batman." He turns and flies off, towing the Dean in his cradle behind him.

Now it's just me and Catwoman. I turn to her, and she's smiling coyly with her hands clasped behind her back. Her pose is coy, but sexual and seductive.

"He's right. Tonight was a lot of fun. Kind of nice to be on the good guy side for once. Thanks for letting me help, Batman. Even if you _are_ a loner."

"Sometimes it's the strongest man who admits he needs help."

"Yeah. Well, you were pretty darn impressive." She leans in and kisses me on the cheek, part on the cowl and part on the skin. "You know, it probably won't be long before the Dean gets taken hostage again. Maybe you could give me a call."

I look away. Batman doesn't make promises. But then I nod; Batman's not a prick.

"Cool. See you around, Abed."

I want to chide her for using my secret identity but, when I turn back toward her, she's already on the move. The suit holds tight to the curves of her ass, molding them and putting them on display, and they move enticingly as she runs. Clenching and releasing. And her legs... her legs are... like... I... the legs...

No.

I'm Batman.

But damn. 

Catwoman has a nice ass.


End file.
